Listen Up!
Powerful Communication Tips
By Carol M. Welsh, Author/Speaker
This
newsletter supplements Carol’s book: STOP WHEN YOU SEE RED
For more information or to order the book, visit: www.stopred.com
August 2005
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Say What?
I
have either used the wrong word or said something
that didn’t come out right, followed by, “I can’t believe I just said
that.”
The quotes aren’t meant to point fingers at anyone but to show that we
all
misspeak at times and it can come out really funny. If these quotes
offend you,
please let me know.
My
first glaring offense was when I was in high school. I was a member of
Student
Council, which was conducting a “clean-up the campus” campaign. Each
morning
the principal made announcements through the PA system. I volunteered
to talk
about the campaign. I encouraged everyone to use the THRASH cans, not
the trash
cans. I didn’t know I was using the wrong word and to my embarrassment,
the
entire student body heard it!
So,
boxer Mike Tyson, I emphasize how easy it is to say the wrong word when
you
said, “I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.”
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Tip of the Month
When I became a widow
four
years ago, I had the following mantra that helped me conquer what
seemed like
impossible feats: I can do this! I learned how to be my own
web-master
and wrote my second book in only five months of weekends. I set my goal, said, “I can
do this” and then proceeded to do so. I concentrated on the
task and
blocked out negative thoughts even when six weeks of hurricanes made
getting
the proofs back and forth to my publisher a challenge. I needed the
finished
product by October 1st and on that day they called and said
it was
done.
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A
Profile of Encouraged Children
Walk
through any mall and you will see discouraged families. The parents
look weary
because the children are controlling them. How did this happen?
With
both parents working and returning home tired, sometimes it’s just
easier to
give in to the demands of the children. Eventually the pattern is set.
An Audio
child knows if he relentlessly demands his way, he will win. A Visual
knows if
she asks for your help with a project and frets over getting it done,
you will
do it for her rather than taking the time to help her do it herself.
A
Feeler child knows if she turns on the tears every time she has a
little
“ouch,” and you rush to her rescue rather than just cleaning the
scratch and
making light of it, that she can manipulate you by woefully crying. A
Wholistic
knows if he has a temper tantrum if you don’t take him with you, that
you might
give in because the tantrum stops instantly when you do.
Encouraged
children develop into adults with good self-esteem and therefore,
function
through their Empowering Tendencies. Discouraged children end up as
adults
working through their Limiting Tendencies. This means they are
controlling.
They found out at an early age how to control you and now they do it
with others
as well.
In
the children’s section of Stop When You See Red, there is a
table that
shows parental actions that lead to discouraging results, such as a
confrontation with your Audio child where you are both demanding your
way.
Recommended actions are then listed that lead to more encouraging
results.
You
can easily spot a family that has encouraged their children because
they are
happy and relaxed. The family members obviously enjoy being with each
other and
there is mutual respect. In my book I also talk about 5-star efforts,
which are
actions that take more effort but the rewards are worth it. Here is an
excellent example: When I was shopping with my sister, I observed two
pairs of
siblings running around the store. One set was getting into mischief.
They took
toilet paper off the shelf, built a fort, and then left it, all in a
matter of
minutes. They opened a bottle of soda, drank some and left the rest.
They made
a hole in a bag of candy and took some. Where was the parent? I never did see them with a parent.
The
other pair, a boy of about age 5 and his sister, about 3 ½, peaked
around the
corner of the aisle, laughing happily. Their faces radiated sheer joy.
They
took something off the shelf and ran back to their mom and put it in
the cart.
This continued since she was letting them help her shop. It made
them feel important and respected and they cheerfully rose to the
occasion.
They always checked first before running to get something so they
wouldn’t bump
into someone.
My
sister stood behind the mother while she was unloading the cart filled
to the
brim. I walked past the checkout counter to get out of the way. I was
enthralled with what I saw next. Both children stood at the end of the
counter
and started bagging groceries along with the mother. Each carefully put
items in a
plastic bag. Often the girl had to set the item on the floor, put the
bag over
it, turned it on its side and then again so the bag could be picked up
the
handles. If she couldn’t get the bag in the cart, she asked her mother
to help
who waited until she asked. Then together they lifted it up and over
into the
shallow basket. On the pullout shelf, the mother put litters of soda.
The girl
carefully placed two in a bag by standing each bottle upright on the
floor
side-by-side, covering them with the bag, and then asking her mother to
pick it
up and put it in the cart. Her mother wasn’t concerned that the bottles
were
upside-down in the bag.
Most
of the time, the boy put items on the pullout shelf for his sister.
Otherwise
she couldn’t reach them. That was her workstation and he worked beside
it. When
they tired, they came over to the wall where I was standing. Halloween
was that
weekend so there were two cardboard jack-o-lanterns taped to the wall
at
different heights. The boy jumped and touched the lower one. His little
sister
tried and missed. He talked to her, I couldn’t hear what he said, and
she tried
again and again, each time getting closer. Finally she touched the
mouth of the
jack-o-lantern. He cheered and then said, “Touch the eyes.” She jumped
and did!
Meanwhile he was finally able to touch the higher jack-o-lantern. They
both
looked so pleased with themselves because they both reached their
goals. I was
impressed. I asked the boy how they were able to jump so high. He said
simply,
“Aim high, jump!”
The
mother’s efforts clearly fell into the 5-star category. Maybe she could
have
bagged the groceries faster without their assistance while she told
them to
wait over by the wall. Out of boredom, they might have become restless
and
started pushing each other. Next you might hear, “Stop it! Behave
yourselves!”
And she and the children would have slipped into a discouraging
situation where
none felt like winners.
How
much extra time did it take to show these young children what they could
do
rather than dwelling on what they couldn’t do? Just remember to aim
high
and jump at the opportunities that will develop encouraged
rather than
discouraged children.
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What’s
the Relation?
Dear
Carol,
My
husband and I moved in with my father because he had several
mini-strokes so
shouldn’t live alone. He preferred this to going into an Assisted
Living
facility. Sometimes I feel like he wanted us to live with him so he
could treat
me like a child. I’m 62 so why should I have to put up with this?
Signed,
I’m an adult
Dear
Adult,
As
our parents get older, they find they aren’t able to do the things that they previously were quite capable of
doing.. This feeling that they
are no longer in control of their lives causes
them to strive to regain control. However, this desire for control may
end up
by controlling those around them instead. For instance, Audios know
yelling at
you may intimidate you. Feelers will complain about how they are
suffering so
you’ll sympathize. Visuals may insist that their way is the only
correct way to
do something. Wholistics may blame you for their ills and problems.
Bottom
line is your father may be experiencing frustration and resentment that
now he
is reduced to where you have to “take care of him.” He’s your father
and for
years he was there for you, to “take care of you” when needed.
Asserting that
he is still your father by treating you like a child is helping him to
cope.
You’re still his daughter. By telling you what to do or perhaps
reprimanding
you for something is a role he understands and can still manage. Your
tenderness and showing respect for him will go a long way. Laughing and
sharing
fond memories works wonders for bringing you back to an adult
relationship.
Carol
To
comment on the
newsletter or ask questions, click here: http://stopred.blogspot.com/
If you have a work
or home
relationship question, send Carol an e-mail to: relationships@stopred.com.
All
responses will relate to the four perceptual styles: Audio, Visual,
Feeler, and
Wholistic. Only those of generic interest to the readers will be
included in the
newsletter. Unfortunately, personal responses from Carol Welsh will not
be
possible.