Powerful Communication Tips

Carol M. Welsh, Author/Speaker

This newsletter supplements Carol’s book: STOP WHEN YOU SEE RED

For more information or to order the book, visit: www.stopred.com

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Say What?
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there."
"I don't want to make the wrong mistake." Yogi Berra

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Tip of the Month
Next time you're seeing red, remember to stop the reaction by taking a deep breath and then say or do nothing for a few seconds to give you an opportunity to take appropriate action. Some actions are to remove yourself from the situation or to remain silent. People who deliberately push your hot buttons are looking for a reaction. When there is no visible reaction (even though your heart is racing and your stomach is in knots), the hot button is defused. If needed, you can readdress the issue later when you are both calm.

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Fears That Drive Reactions
The Audio Perception

You operate either through your Empowering or Limiting Tendencies. When you are functioning through your Empowering Tendencies, you take appropriate action when situations arise. This enables you to be in control of the situation rather than the situation being in control of you.

When you function through your Limiting Tendencies, your hot buttons are easily pushed, which triggers emotional reactions. These reactions are stimulated by your fears and fueled by your perceptions. However, the stronger the fears, the more stress you feel, and the quicker you react! Negativity sweeps over you.

Each of the perceptual styles has four major fears that stimulate reactions. Although we are a combination of all four of the styles, the Primary Perception has the strongest influence over our actions and reactions.

For those who have the Audio Perception as their Primary Perception, if they are operating through their Limiting Tendencies, there is an undercurrent of anger waiting to vent. What fears drive this anger?

Fear: Audios are afraid of losing control over their lives. Maintaining personal control is extremely important for them. But when they’re reactive, what they fear happens: their emotions are out of control, causing them to lose control of the situation as well.

Reaction stimulated by the fear: In an effort to regain some control over their lives, they try to control you by being impatient, sarcastic, quick tempered, and bossy or by shouting to intimidate you.

Fear: Audios are afraid of losing face. When Audios quickly lose their tempers and then are fine afterwards, leaving you with a rush of feelings because of the outburst, it doesn’t appear that they are concerned with losing face.

Reaction stimulated by the fear: To save face, they will defend their outburst as being no big deal: “So I was a bit sarcastic, what difference does it make?” They might defend their action by blaming you for not responding favorably to an idea they had. They want their ideas to be admired, for people to think,“I wish I had thought of that.” Therefore they might respond with, “I don’t know why I even bother to talk to you about it. You’re just going to shoot it down anyway.”

Fear: Audios are afraid of not being respected. They like being the boss, the person in charge. They want you to respect their authority.

Reaction stimulated by the fear: They may exert pressure on you even though they can’t take it themselves. They want you to look up to them, to admire them as the boss or leader. They need to feel that you respect them, even if it’s fearful respect.

Fear: Audios are afraid of not being likeable. Negative Audios aren’t concerned if you are a bit fearful of them if it causes you to follow their orders or meet their demands. Yet they have this uneasy feeling that maybe they are not very likeable.

Reaction stimulated by the fear: They sense that you don’t particularly like them but aren’t sure if they really care if, for instance, it’s a work relationship. This is getting down into the“touchy, feely” area and they would rather stay away from that. So they react defensively by becoming confrontational. But like the rest of us, they really do want people to like them. Therefore they might make a halfhearted attempt at an apology: “That’s not what I meant.”

Charles Finn shows us in his poem, Please Hear What I’m Not Saying, that we all wear masks to hide our fears. (His poem is printed with permission in Stop When You See Red.)  When Audios are reactive, they are quick to lash out at others because they are angry and hurting. They’ll show their anger but do not want to reveal their vulnerability. Therefore they are experts at putting on a mask to hide their true feelings and to block others from getting too close.

How can you help Audios remove their masks? Reach out to them with acceptance. In Audio terms, this means showing them respect and that you genuinely like them. Listen to what they are saying and to the excitement or eagerness behind their ideas and thoughts. If you point out something that you don’t think will work and they become defensive, remain silent. Give them time/space to think about what you said. If you react to the defensive tone, then you end up in a confrontation and now you’re reactive too.

Often Audios aren’t aware that they might be using a tone of voice that you find inappropriate or offensive because if you used it on them it wouldn’t bother them. They listen to the words, not the tone of voice. So let it roll off of you if possible. If you react to anger with anger, now you not only have your own anger, but you have taken on theirs as well. Is that what you want? It destroys your energy instantly and it’s a lose/lose situation. Both of you are miserable. Silence–simply not responding to a confrontation–often is the best and simplest solution. Later you can revisit the situation, if needed.

A radio interviewer told me that he had an Audio manager who was barking out orders right and left. He quickly defused the situation by calmly saying, “I’ll take care of it.” He respected her leadership and because of this, he could accept her rather than be critical of her. He also created a professional environment when he spoke with conviction that he would take care of what was needed. Gratefully, she would calm down because she knew she could count on him.

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The fears that stimulate reactions for Feelers, Visuals, and Wholistics will be discussed in future newsletters.