Listen
Up!
Change Your
Perceptions–Change Your Life!
Carol M.
Welsh, Author/Speaker
This
newsletter supplements Carol’s book: STOP WHEN YOU SEE RED
For more
information or to order the book, visit: www.stopred.com
December
2005
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Say What?
“Those
who survived the
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Enjoy
the holiday spirit by giving away your smile to everyone you look at.
Make it
as big and sunny as possible. Watch the wave of smiles as they flow
from one
person to another. Sometimes we think there is not much we can do in a
world
with so much terrorism and hate. But one smile can circle the globe and
come
back to you expanded into thousands of smiles. Join the campaign of Miles
of
Smiles.
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The Best Gift of All
December
is a time to reflect on the past year. Can
you look back on the year and say, “I did my best within or despite
my circumstances?” Well dear
friends, say “yes” to that question. Many of us bemoan that “I should
have or
could have” and feel depressed by what was not accomplished rather than
rejoicing at what was accomplished. For example, surviving a
challenging year is
a huge accomplishment and needs to be recognized as such. Despite the
struggle
or pain, if you meet the challenge, you are a stronger person.
Challenges are
opportunities to grow.
Since my
late husband was bipolar, no excuse was
needed for him to berate me about something. I ended up taking an
antidepressant to deal with the stress. Although my therapist urged me
to get
out of the marriage, my inner guidance “told” me to give the marriage
one more
year. (My husband died 10 months later. Read the chapter, When
Life Hurts Too Much in my book Stop When You See Red
for the complete story.)
How was I going to survive another year? One
day I
noticed a yellow flower sticking up through a crack in the driveway. It
greeted
me with its sunny face everyday for a couple of months. Sometimes I
would
accidentally drive over it but its spirit was never crushed. When I
came home,
there it was standing upright again, ready to greet me.
I started
“talking” to the flower. “As long as you can
stand tall and raise your smile to the Universe despite being crushed
over and
over again, so can I.” I began to smile again and friends cheerfully
responded.
I didn’t realize I had been pushing away what I needed most, my
friends, because
of my sad face and constant complaining about my husband. After awhile,
they
got tired of hearing about it.
Smiling
reduces stress and attacks the blues. I
discovered it drew joy and peace into my heart. I also created a life
for
myself outside of my marriage by becoming active in organizations that
allowed
my light to shine. With all these wonderful friends I felt truly
loved—the
perfect prescription for erasing depression or loneliness.
During the
holidays, many people feel lonely for
various reasons. If you have to reject your family because they enable
your
addiction, open your heart to your new friends. Get together for the
holidays
and laugh…a lot. The healing power of laughter has been well documented
and is
fun besides!
If you are
lonely, reaching out and touching others
with love helps. For instance, what can you do to brighten someone’s
holiday? Invite
them over for dinner? Take them for a drive to see the holiday lights?
How
about sending a thank-you card instead of a holiday card? Tell someone
how much
you appreciate them. Wish them the best for the New Year and thank them
for
making you laugh, or giving you a hug or being there for you when you
needed
them.
December
is a time for giving. Yet many people become
depressed because they don’t have the financial means to buy gifts. The
good
news is the best gift is free—giving
someone your undivided attention. My sister, brother and I were
tired of
the struggle of trying to figure out what to buy for each other, and it
had to
be something that could be easily mailed too. In 1980, we decided to
replace sending
gifts with phones calls (long distance calls were a luxury back then
when it
cost $5 for a 30-minute call). We love it because it has brought us
closer
together. When you talk on the phone, you are providing undivided
attention.
How people
respond to undivided attention when you are
with them is influenced by the four perceptual styles: Audio, Feeler,
Visual,
and Wholistic.
Audio:
Audios want to feel
respected. Showing enthusiastic
support for their ideas and talking about other possibilities will make
their
day. They like “bouncing the ball” of ideas and thoughts back and
forth. They
might even appreciate an Audio hug, which is a squeeze of the shoulder
or a
warm hand shake.
Feeler: Feelers love caring attention. Listen
supportively to
what they are sharing. Unless they ask for advice, simply listen.
You’ll feel a
bond developing between you, even if it’s just for the moment. Let them
know
how much you appreciate and care about them. Before parting, a hug will
be
welcomed.
Visual: Visuals are the most talkative. Your
undivided
attention will be rewarded because their stories are usually
entertaining. However,
if they are depressed because of the holidays, you might need to ask
questions
to get them to open up. If you can tell a few jokes, with their quick
humor, they
often will respond with more. Suddenly they are feeling better simply
because
you took the time to give them your undivided attention.
Wholistic:
Since Wholistics see, hear, and feel
simultaneously, they quickly
get the gist of what is being talked about. Therefore, they might
dominate the
conversation by jumping ahead to what you were going to say next. To
others observing
the conversation, it sounds like uncompleted sentences or talking over
each
other. But for Wholistics, it gives them
the freedom
to speak without restraint. However, if it’s difficult to follow this
type of
conversation, then simply listen to their ramblings. It affords them
the
opportunity to think out-loud, which may lead to a solution to a
problem
without you saying a word. They might choose to thank you for your help
with a
hug when all you did was listen!
Our lives
are on “fast-forward.” That’s why giving
someone your undivided attention is the best gift you can give. The
next best
thing is being sensitive to when someone could use a hug. Just ask and
you may
find their arms opening in eager anticipation. Children love new toys
for a
short time, but they love your attention and hugs for a lifetime.
How many
times did your smile and undivided attention
lift someone’s spirits? But do you give yourself the gift of undivided
attention too? If you always put your own needs last, your spirit will
be
crushed. Take time for yourself. If you are a caregiver, whether it’s
for
someone with physical or mental illness, take advantage of local or
on-line support
groups.
You don’t
have to face hardships alone. Ask for help. He
listens. You’ll know because when you ask, He’ll provide you with your
“yellow
flower” in some form or other, which will inspire you to live, not just
exist.
And you’ll know you don’t have to face life’s difficulties alone—ever.
Reaching out and touching someone with love is
the certain
cure for the holiday blues.