Listen Up!
Powerful Communication Tips
By Carol M. Welsh, Author/Speaker (www.stopred.com)
July 2005
Say What?
“If
crime went
down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.”
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Tip of the Month
Assuming you
understand what
someone is conveying may lead to false assumptions. Ask questions for
more
clarification or for verification that you do indeed understand. If
it’s
important that you remember what is being said, summarize: “If I
understand you
correctly, you are asking/suggesting/saying…?”
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Seeing Is
Believing…Perhaps
There has been much
written
about body language. However, body language is also influenced by the
perceptual styles. Consequently, what you perceive from body language
could be
incorrect.
Audios: Audios can concentrate better on what you
are saying
if they turn their ears toward you rather than looking at you. They
might
glance at you from time to time because they have probably heard since
childhood, “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Looking away and then
glancing
at you is often labeled as being “shifty-eyed.” This may lead to
accusations
that they are hiding something because they don’t maintain eye contact
with
you. Or we might think that they are insecure because they keep looking
away.
For Audios, neither is true. Maintaining eye contact is uncomfortable
for them
and distracting when they are trying to think or are filtering through
what you
are saying to get to the bottom line.
On the other hand, without flinching, Audios can look you in the eye and blatantly lie with a voice reverberating with sincerity. Maintaining personal control is the strongest characteristic for Audios. If they need to lie to maintain that control, they can do so without hesitation or batting an eye. This desire to be in control also makes them look less approachable than the other styles.
Visuals: Visuals need to maintain eye contact with
you unless
they are lying. Then they don’t want to look at you. Their eyes are
very
expressive and reveal much. They don’t want you to see it in their
eyes.
Another time they will look away is when you are trying to find out
what is
upsetting them. If they are disappointed because something they planned
didn’t
work out and they shift the blame to you, they might retreat with this
disappointment by giving you the silent treatment, including looking
away.
Therefore, when Visuals are shifty-eyed, you know something is amiss.
If
you hurt their feelings you’ll see the deep hurt in their eyes. They
might
stare at you with this hurt momentarily but as the pain intensifies or
if they
are trying not to cry, they will look away. Their bodies seem to sag
from the
rejection–the rejection they are feeling from you and from
themselves
for somehow deserving this sharp word or tongue lashing from you. Once
again,
they were less than perfect. Not meeting their own standards of
perfection that
they have set for themselves may make them “crawl into their caves.”
They need
this space to lick their wounds. Or, they might feel justified to point
out
your imperfections to bring down to their level.
Feelers:
Feelers will often cross
their arms
if they are standing and talking to you. If they look relaxed it’s
simply
because crossing their arms is comfortable. It’s also a place to put
their
hands because otherwise they might reach out and touch you when
talking. In the
workplace, sometimes this could be considered inappropriate. Feelers
will often
disclose what they are feeling. However, when they are upset, their
actions and
body language speak louder than their words because initially they
might say
nothing is wrong. You will know when they are upset because they become
tight-lipped and the usual softness is gone from their eyes. They will
avoid
eye contact if they are trying not to cry.
Feelers
cannot tell a lie unless they believe a white lie is best so they won’t
hurt
your feelings. When all is right with their world, Feelers emanate
warmth with smiling
eyes that look directly into yours.
Wholistic:
Wholistics usually function
closely
through their first and second perceptual styles out of necessity. I
refer to
this as “twin styles.” When they don’t work closely with their second
perceptual style, their body language could be erratic. They might pace
in
circles while thinking out loud, or suddenly stop and walk off in
another
direction because they just thought of something. Likewise, when
speaking they
might interrupt themselves and go off on tangents. Despite a few raised
eyebrows at their actions, they don’t appear to notice or care.
When
Wholistics function as a twin, the second style has an equal influence
on their
body language and lessens the flightiness. For instance, a
Wholistic/Audio still
would prefer to look away while listening or collecting his thoughts
but would
appear more approachable than an Audio. A Wholistic/Feeler would have
her
feelings on her sleeve. It would be easy to read her body language. A
Wholistic/Visual would be more adaptable. Wholistics thrive on change
whereas
Visuals prefer status quo. Therefore his body language would be more
open than
a Visual’s when discussing a change.
Remember
what it was like when we were children and a parent was upset with us
and
yelled at us with exasperation? In an effort not to cry or show that
the words
were cutting us to the core, we would try to have a passive face. Then
to our
astonishment and frustration, upon leaving the parent would turn and
say, “And
wipe that look off your face!” What
look???
My
sister sometimes frowns when I’m talking to her. I thought that meant
she was
confused by what I was saying until I asked her if she needed
clarification.
That’s when I found out she frowns when she is listening intently.
My
face is born to smile. If I don’t smile sometimes people think I’m
upset. One
time I was just sitting and thinking because I was finishing a chapter
and
mulling over how I wanted to summarize it. My husband interrupted my
thoughts
by asking sharply, “What’s the matter?”
Surprised by the
question, I
replied, “Nothing.” Before I could say anything more, he snapped, “Well
then
tell it to your face!” Having the look on your face or other body
language
misinterpreted is frustrating or may even hurt. So we don’t want to do
this to
others.
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What’s
the Relation?
Dear Carol,
I
am with a narcissus Audio man. It hit a button in your last newsletter
that
said, "What's in it for me?" because it's ALL about him when he
bellows orders and snaps at me. He is not a feeling person (like me). I
would
like to convey to him that respect is a two way street, especially
listening to
me and my needs. How can I handle this self-absorbed macho man?
Signed,
KAS
Dear KAS,
When he bellows and snaps at you, if you can,
calmly
stop what you are doing, walk away and start doing something else. If
he
follows you so he can continue to rant or order you around, then either
leave
the house or turn your back, i.e. you are not responding to him until
he treats
you with respect. My late husband was like this. When I returned, he
was quiet
and would say he was sorry. That’s when I could express my needs and
that I
needed him to listen to me too. The “what’s in it for me” still was
there
because he was getting a wake-up call that if she leaves the house
there might
be a time when it’s permanent. So out of fear of losing you, he might
treat you
with respect for a while but then he slips into his old pattern. When
Audios
are working through their Limiting Tendencies, they move into the
controlling
mode. That’s his comfort zone, but it’s pushing you out of your comfort
zone,
causing your life to feel out-of-control.
Often opposites attract if you are willing to
grow.
He is forcing you to express your feelings and needs, which is an
ability
Feelers need to cultivate. However, his insensitivity is making it
difficult to
do so. Reflect on the relationship. Is it worth being verbally abused
to stay
in the relationship? What are the tradeoffs?
Good luck,
Carol
To
comment on the
newsletter or ask questions, click here: http://stopred.blogspot.com/
If you have a work
or home
relationship question, send Carol an e-mail to: relationships@stopred.com.
All
responses will relate to the four perceptual styles: Audio, Visual,
Feeler, and
Wholistic. Only those of generic interest to the readers will be
included in
the newsletter. Unfortunately, personal responses from Carol Welsh will
not be
possible.