Listen Up!
Change Your Perceptions
- Change Your Life!
Carol M. Welsh, Author/Speaker
This newsletter supplements Carol’s book: STOP WHEN YOU SEE RED
November 2005
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Say What?
“Honest
criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an
acquaintance, or a stranger.”—Franklin P.
Jones
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Tip of the Month
If
you feel trapped by a situation which pushes your hot button, the first
step is
to dislike this feeling of being trapped
enough to do something about it. Sometimes we feel like we’ve hit a
brick
wall but often it’s not until we are splattered
against it that we’re finally motivated to do something about it—that
it’s time
to take action. Otherwise you can remain the victim. The choice is
yours.
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Do ill-mannered in-laws or
rude relatives ruin your
holidays?
Do
difficult relatives ruin your holidays year after
year? I had a colleague, Traci, who proclaimed a few weeks before
Thanksgiving
that the family gathering would be ruined as usual because of her
sister-in-law, husband, and meddlesome nephew. She had a defeatist
attitude
plus she figuratively put on full battle gear ready to go to war with
these
despicable in-laws.
I reminded
her from previous conversations that you
can’t change the other person, but by changing how you approach this
person,
you could get a more favorable response. I explained that the minute
they
walked in the door they would sense her hostility and react
accordingly. I
suggested that she pretend this is the first time they are meeting.
Welcome
them into her home and as the hostess, keep the conversation light.
At the
same time, she can make wise decisions based on
their experience with the misbehaving nephew. She has a right to set
boundaries
and enforce them if the parents don’t. What could she do differently
this time
since he didn’t listen previously to not touch the computer? Traci
decided to
remove the keyboard from the computer. She also denied him access to
the hot
tub, which he had damaged the previous year.
I asked
Traci why she went along with the suggestion
that she have Thanksgiving at her
house each year when both she and her husband had to work the day
before and
after the holiday. Her explanation was that her relatives expected it.
Does
that mean she is stuck in a rut forever? No! I asked if she had
considered
going out to dinner. There are plenty of places now where you can have
a tasty
turkey dinner and more. Traci agreed that the concept sounded like a
great
solution.
Well,
Traci did succeed in letting go of her battle
gear and having a good time. The in-laws responded favorably to her
relaxed
body language, and having to control the obnoxious nephew was much
easier
because both Traci and her husband enforced the boundaries. They turned
a deaf
ear to his constant whining.
However,
the next year, Traci and her husband decided
to recapture the pleasure of the holiday by announcing to the family
that they
were not going to have Thanksgiving dinner at their house. They were
going out
to eat. Eventually someone else volunteered—the in-laws she disliked!
All she
had to do was bring a dessert. The nephew was happy because he was in
his own
house and everyone had a good time.
Here are
specific examples of how hot buttons are
pushed based on the four perceptual styles: Audio, Feeler, Visual, and
Wholistic. In each instance the person is operating through his or her
Limiting
Tendencies rather than Empowering Tendencies. Therefore they are
reactive and
hope to get a reaction from you. Following each example is a remedy for
defusing the situation.
Audio: Uncle
Bob is always argumentative. He claims he is just playing the Devil’s
Advocate.
But eventually it triggers a shouting match because he is also
sarcastic. Uncle
Bob wants to evoke a reaction because simmering beneath the surface is
anger
and he’s looking for a way to vent. Once you react, he’s won! He now
has an
excuse to shout to intimidate you. He uses his temper to control others.
Remedy: When you start seeing red, take a deep
breath and
assess the situation. If you can leave the room, do so to calm down.
There is
always a reason to go into the kitchen, whether it’s to check on the
food or to
get a glass of water. If you feel you would be deserting the guests if
you got
up and went into the kitchen, change the subject. If appropriate, tell
a joke—getting
everyone laughing is a great way to defuse the situation.
Feeler: Aunt Jane enjoys being the martyr. The
driving force
behind her indignation is, “After all I’ve done for you and this is all
the
appreciation I get?” So she will tell you her tale of woe or all of her
worries. Her subconscious goal is for you to feel sorry for her and
maybe even
wallow with her in her self-pity—misery does love company!
Remedy: Sometimes just quietly listening to her is
all she
needs. She wants to pour out all her problems and worries. Then steer
the
conversation to things she has been doing. Sincerely compliment her on
her
accomplishments, no matter how small. She just wants to feel needed and
appreciated. If she offers to help, by all means accept it!
Visual: John is frustrated with his life. It’s just
not
turning out the way he had envisioned it. Subconsciously he wants you
to feel
as frustrated as he is. He might attack ideas with “No, it’ll never
work.” Or
he might slip into a funk and use the silent treatment: “If you don’t
know
what’s bothering me, I’m not going to tell you.” Either of those
actions can
frustrate you!
Remedy: Realize it’s a game to control you. Keep
that smile
on your face when you say, “I’m really sorry, John, that you aren’t
having a
good day. Hope you feel better soon.” Then walk away. If it’s at the
dinner
table, change the subject or turn your attention to someone else.
Wholistic: For years Chris has expressed resentment
that she
hasn’t gotten her just rewards. She should have gotten that promotion,
but then
what do you expect? There is a glass ceiling for women! This resentment
triggers irritability and moodiness. So sometimes Chris goes off and
sulks.
With a sour look on her face she withdraws from the others. She
secretly likes
the thought that others might be wondering what’s her
problem. “Good, let them wonder.” When she joins the others for
the
holiday dinner, she manipulates the conversation so she can impose her
opinion
about why life isn’t fair.
Remedy: Let her sulk. It’s not your problem!
Otherwise when
she becomes negatively opinionated, you can quickly defuse the
situation by
saying, “You are entitled to your opinion. You brought up some points
that I
will have to think about.” End of conversation! Even though you
disagree, don’t
get into an argument with her. You will not win!
If you
believe certain relatives will ruin the holiday
again because they always do, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
You’ll
get what you anticipate. So throw away the battle gear and bring out
the good
cheer. It is possible to have "Happy Holidays."