Listen
Up! Newsletter
Change
Your Perceptions – Change Your Life!
Carol
M.
Welsh, Author/Speaker
This
newsletter supplements Carol’s book: STOP WHEN YOU SEE RED
To learn more about the
four perceptual
styles, to order the book,
or to contact Carol Welsh: www.stopred.com
March
2006
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Say
What?
“For
(From: http://www.indianchild.com/funny_quotes.htm)
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Tip of
the Month
My mother decided one day
that fear is a waste of time. She
wasn’t talking about the fear you feel when you think your parachute
isn’t
going to open. She was referring to the fears which you can do nothing
about it
so why waste any energy over worrying. As her Alzheimer’s disease
progressed,
she had many terrifying days. Yet as she wandered from room to room,
despite
her confusion, she kept repeating, “Keep on keeping on” and “Let go and
let
God.” Those two phrases are my mantras when I am facing tough times. I
have
learned to trust that things will somehow work out. Knowing that I can
let go
and place my life in God’s hands as long as I do my part, has helped me
face
down worry and fear many times.
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Fears That Drive Reactions: The Feeler
Perception
Our
actions
and reactions are influenced by the four perceptual styles: Audio,
Feeler,
Visual and Wholistic. These styles have Empowering and Limiting
Tendencies. When
you are functioning through your Empowering Tendencies, you take
appropriate action
when situations arise. This enables you to be in control of the
situation rather
than the situation being in control of you.
When
you function
through your Limiting Tendencies, your hot buttons are easily pushed,
which triggers
emotional reactions. These reactions are stimulated by your fears and
fueled by
your perceptions. However, the stronger the fears, the quicker you
react! When you react, the situation is in control
of you, which causes your emotions to be out-of-control.
As
you
react, a specific emotion is triggered depending on your primary
perceptual
style. For instance, the first emotion that Audios feel is anger
when they think someone is trying to control them. Maintaining
personal control is of utmost
importance to them.
The
first
emotion Visuals feel is frustration when
they can’t get you to see their reasons for doing things in a
structured
step-by-step fashion. Perfectionism or
having high standards as they see them is of utmost importance to them.
The
first
emotion Wholistics feel is resentment
when someone keeps them from “getting started.” Being able
to jump-start what needs to be done now is of utmost
importance to them.
For
each of
the perceptual styles, there are four major fears that stimulate the
reactive
emotion. This article is devoted to the fears that stimulate Feelers’
reactions. The first emotion driven by these fears is indignation.
Therefore, when Feelers are operating through their Limiting
Tendencies, there is an undercurrent of indignation waiting to vent.
What fears
drive this indignation?
Fear:
Feelers
are afraid
of not being appreciated. Feelers do kind and
thoughtful things for
others because they would like it if someone did it for them.
Reaction
stimulated by the fear: They feel you don’t
appreciate them and take them for
granted. If you did something nice for them, they would show
appreciation and
say “thank you” so why don’t you? So they become indignant: “After all
I’ve
done for you and this is all the appreciation I get?”
Fear:
Feelers
are afraid
of not being liked or loved. Giving and receiving
love is of top importance. Their
“giving” includes not saying no to your requests. They do this because
they
like the feeling of belonging, whether it’s the office clique or being
loved by
their family.
Reaction
stimulated by the fear: By
putting their own needs last, they become the martyr and
wallow in self-pity: “Nobody loves me.
I do everything I can to please you, but what do you do for me?” They
feel like
they’re being taken for granted.
Fear:
Feelers
are afraid
of making a mistake or being blamed for it. They don’t want you to
show disapproval for their
actions. Feelers feel awful when they displease you or you’re
dissatisfied with
their work.
Reaction
stimulated by the fear: They get depressed, down
on themselves. “What will others
think?” They will vacillate between blaming themselves (How could I
have been
so stupid?) to blaming others for the mistake (It wasn’t my fault.)
even though
they made the mistake.
Fear:
Feelers
are afraid
of being hurt. They
want to feel secure in a loving relationship. They’re afraid that you
might not
love them as much as they love you.
Reaction
stimulated by the fear: They often get hurt
because of unspoken expectations, such
as, “because I do kind loving things for you, even though
you didn’t ask me to, you should do nice things for me
too without having to ask for it.” They also are easily hurt by your
tone of
voice, such as sarcasm. Hurt can cause them to become emotionally
stuck–they
can’t tell you why they’re upset because of the lump in their throat
and
holding back tears.
Charles
Finn
shows us in his poem, Please Hear What I’m Not Saying, that we
all wear masks
to hide our fears. (His poem is printed with permission in my book Stop
When
You See Red.) When Feelers are really hurting, the mask goes up to
conceal
the tears and hide the pain if they don’t want to make waves in a
relationship.
If the hurt is intense, they will clam up. They want you to suffer as
much as
they are.
How
can you
help Feelers remove their masks? Reach out to them with love and
acceptance. Create
a safe environment by gently asking them what’s bothering them. At
first they
will deny they are hurting, but your gentle persistence will finally
break
through the protective armor. Be prepared for the dam to break because
many
masks will fall, which covered fears or hurt they were hiding for a
long time.
They will fling those past hurts to you in an accusatory tone. If you
react
defensively, Feelers will clam up even more. Let them get it out of
their
system and out into the open. Listen to what they’re not
saying, “I just want to know and feel secure that you love me
and care about me.”
If
you
respond by simply hugging them and telling them you’re so sorry, it
might be
all they need. Maybe you believe you did nothing to hurt them, but
you’re still
sorry that they’re unhappy. Often one apology to show that you care is
all it
takes to remove the mask.
In
my
Effective Communication course, I ask, “When is it okay to play the
game?” The
answer is, when both parties will benefit. For instance, you smile when
you
don’t feel like smiling and soon everyone is smiling back, which causes
you to
genuinely smile. Or you say you’re sorry when you feel that you have
nothing to
apologize about. It makes the other person feel better and you both
win. Masks
can be removed if we all play the game of kindness.