Listen
Up!
Powerful Communication
Tips
by Carol M. Welsh, Author/Speaker (www.stopred.com)
June 2005
Say
What?
“I guess I
should warn you. If I turn out to be particularly clear, you’ve
probably
misunderstood what I said.” Federal
Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan
in What Were They Thinking? (Bruce
Felton, Globe Pequot)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tip
of the
Month
React
to anger with anger and you’ll end up with both your own anger and
theirs. Instead, STOP WHEN YOU SEE RED,
take a deep breath, slowly count to 10, and take appropriate action
rather than
reacting. Then you will be in control of the situation rather
than out-of-control.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do some people listen
attentively
while others tune you out?
How we listen and
perceive is
influenced by the four perceptual styles: Audio, Visual, Feeler, and
Wholistic.
For instance, Audios prefer to turn their ears toward you when you are
speaking
rather than look you in the eyes. They are filtering through what you
are
saying to get to the bottom line as quickly as possible. If they are
listening
intently, they might close their eyes. However, since childhood they
have been
told “Look at me when I’m speaking to you!” In defense, they might take
notes
of the main points when listening because then it’s acceptable if they
don’t
maintain eye contact with the speaker.
When speaking to
Audios, if
you ramble, they will either interrupt or ask, “And the point is?” Or
they will
tune you out. You need to collect your thoughts before talking to
Audios and
cover the points in a logical sequence.
Visuals are the
“show me”
people. They will listen more intently and remember what you are saying
if they
can see what you’re talking about. Otherwise you need to speak in
descriptive
words so they visualize what you are saying. It will appear like they
aren’t
listening if you don’t give them enough details because their faces are
blank. When they finally “get it,” their faces
light up with
comprehension.
When Visuals are
speaking,
maintaining eye contact is essential. If you look away, they will stop
in the
middle of the sentence. For them it has the same effect as if you
interrupted
them. Visuals receive their inspiration and ideas as a picture in their
mind’s
eye. They may become frustrated if the listener can’t seem to “see”
what they
see. Often Visuals will whip out a piece of paper so they can sketch or
diagram
what they are talking about.
What Feelers hear
is filtered
through their feelings so it’s not what you say but how you say it that
they
are hearing. If you say something in a sarcastic voice, they most
likely will
remember how the words hurt rather than what was being said. If the
hurt is
intense, it will put a lump in the throat that literally blocks the
Feeler from
expressing his or her pain or feelings.
When communicating
with
Feelers, if you want them to listen, speak gently. A loud angry voice
intimidates them and may cause them to withdraw within themselves. If
you are
asking them to do something, actions speak louder than words. Give them
the
opportunity to try what it is you want them to do so they feel secure
that they
understand. Otherwise they might say, “You mean …” and repeat back what
you
just asked to make sure they heard you correctly. This might exasperate
the
Audio who doesn’t like to have to provide all the details Feelers need
to
understand. He may snap, “Is there an echo in the room?” Feelers may
become
flustered, which makes it even more difficult for them to listen
attentively. They
would rather flee and come back later when they aren’t so rattled.
Wholistics hear,
see, and
feel what you are saying simultaneously so they quickly grasp the whole
picture
or the gist of what is being said. Then they want to leap into action.
This
eagerness may cause them to interrupt the speaker and finish the
sentence
because they think they know what the person is going to say. However,
sometimes they might be wrong. When speaking to Wholistics, you may
have to ask
them to let you finish what you’re saying, to not interrupt.
Wholistics will
listen more
intently if you first give them the essence of what you’re going to
talk about
so they can respond to the idea or thought. After they have expressed
what they
perceive is the direction you are going, you can clarify or agree.
Wholistics might
become antsy if they have to wait a long time before they can speak.
But not
interrupting and listening attentively is a quality they can learn.
So how can we get
people to
listen to us and remember what we say?
As the speaker, it’s up to us to make sure the listener understands
before
moving on. When it’s one-on-one or in a small group, ask
if they understand or if they need more clarification. If it’s
important for
them to remember, you need to connect your message with a direct
benefit to the
listener. A benefit to the listener is always something that directly
impacts
them. Remember the WIIFM factor, what’s in it for me. So, for example,
you may
ask a spouse to pick up some items from the drycleaner and remind him
that one
of the items is a suit he’ll need for the concert that he’s been so
looking forward
to. Or if you’re speaking to an audience, address the benefits to them,
how the
information you’re sharing will enhance or impact their lives.
When speaking to a
large
group, you can keep all of the perceptual styles listening attentively
if you address
the key points quickly for the Audios, then illustrate it with an
interesting
story (but not too long) so the Visuals can visualize and the Feelers
can
better comprehend the key points, and then follow up with a brief
summary. This
way, people won’t tune you out.
You want the
listeners’ heads
to nod because they are connecting with your message rather than having
their
heads nod because there is a disconnect,
and they are
falling asleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s
the Relation?
Dear Carol,
I have an employee
at work who is making my entire team
uncomfortable. We feel like we’re
walking on eggshells around her because she’s overly sensitive.
Sometimes she
clams up and looks like she’s going to cry,
and we
don’t have a clue why she’s upset.
Signed,
Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Your employee
sounds like an
out-of-balance Feeler, which means her self-esteem is shaky. Feelers do
considerate things for people because they know how good it would feel
if
someone did this for them. She may do thoughtful things for you and her
colleagues but no one seems to notice or thank her. You didn’t ask, so
thanks
shouldn’t be expected. However, she has placed these unspoken
expectations on
you.
Above all, she
needs to feel
appreciated and included. Praise her for doing a good job or a
thoughtful
action. These compliments need to be sincere and brief. Otherwise she
will feel
uncomfortable. A simple “Thank you,” “I appreciate your help,” or “You
made our
job a lot easier” can do wonders for her self-esteem and get her back
on solid
ground.
Carol
If you have a work
or home
relationship question, send Carol an e-mail to: relationships@stopred.com.
All
responses will relate to the four perceptual styles: Audio, Visual,
Feeler, and
Wholistic. Only those of generic interest to the readers will be
included in
the newsletter. Unfortunately, personal responses from Carol Welsh will
not be
possible.