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Listen
Up!
Powerful Communication
Tips
By Carol
M. Welsh, Author/Speaker
This
newsletter supplements Carol’s book: STOP WHEN YOU SEE RED
For more
information or to order the book, visit: www.stopred.com
September
2005
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Say What?
“Stanislaus Smedley,
a man
always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body
and soul
to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.” (One
of the
top 10 winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest conducted by the
English
Dept. of San Jose State University where one writes only the first line
of a
bad novel.) Since I’m writing
about dating in this newsletter, I thought this was
fitting.
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Tip of the
Month
Having PMA–a positive mental attitude–is a
plus in any
relationship, whether at work, home, or on the first date. However it
is equally
as important is to have BBA–bounce back ability. With online dating,
you can
experience “the 4-day relationship.” You meet someone, there is a
flurry of
e-mails and then suddenly you never hear from the person again. With
BBA, you
can shrug it off by realizing if a
relationship was meant to be, it wouldn’t suddenly end. Let go and
more on.
Don’t take it personally. Remember that it’s just a [dating] game.
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The New Dating Game
Are you suddenly
single
again? Welcome to the new dating
game. Now that dating on-line is an acceptable way to meet your
“match,” women
often are making the initial contact. The first date is also the first
impression. How can you make a positive impression?
You
react to people based on how you perceive them. That’s why you need to see a current
photo of the person before you even agree to the first
date. Ask for a photo if one is not included in the profile. Otherwise
what is
the person trying to hide?
Your perceptions of
the
on-line profile and first date are influenced by your perceptual
styles: Audio,
Visual, Feeler, and Wholistic. You are a combination of all four styles
but the
primary style influences your actions and reactions the most.
For those with Audio as
the primary style, maintaining
personal control is important.
If she is
an Audio,
the man may feel this “in-control” power emanating from her rather than
warmth.
Audios like being the boss. She might speak her mind and perhaps talk
with a
confrontational tone without even realizing it. He may back off because
this is
too forward for him.
Remedy for
female Audios: Lighten up and
be sensitive to your date’s feelings.
Allow him to pursue you rather than badgering him. If you relax and
realize if
it’s meant to be, it will happen, that you can’t make it
happen, you
will be more in balance with all four of the perceptions. Your softer
side will
emerge.
If he
is an Audio, the woman might be turned off by his sarcasm or
that he cuts her off if she doesn’t get to the point. If she rambles he
will
become impatient. It’s all right if she contacts him but he will prefer
to take
charge when dating. His bluntness is normal for him but might sting if
she’s a
Feeler. Audios are not particularly romantic. They like a meeting of
the
minds–a stimulating dinner conversation makes for a great date.
Remedy for male
Audios: Add a little romance
to dating. Women like the
attention. Avoid sarcasm and impatience, as they are big turn-offs.
Instead,
reveal your quick wit and be sensitive to her feelings. Although you
like being
the boss, remember she is your date, not your employee.
For those with
Feeler as
the primary style, giving and receiving love is a top priority.
If she is a
Feeler, her
desired outcome is: “I want him to share his life with me.” However,
this sets
up unspoken expectations for her date. On a TV reality show, Hooking Up, one woman said upfront that
she was looking for a husband. Honesty is refreshing. Feelers like to
please
people. Therefore they might like to do “considerate” things, such as
appearing
at his door with a batch of homemade cookies, but with hopeful
expectations that they will be greatly appreciated.
Remedy for
female Feelers: Be aware that
the desire to please others causes you
to have a difficult time saying no to requests–an easy target for men.
Some men
might perceive your “being considerate actions” as smothering actions.
Instead,
they will enjoy your natural enthusiasm for living–your fun side. They
will
also respond to your warmth.
If he
is a Feeler, he will definitely be a touchy, feely type of guy
and might feel that he can’t keep his hands off of you. He will talk
with
enthusiasm about things he likes. He is a bit of a romantic in that he
likes to
do things that make you smile. However, if he likes you, you might feel
a bit
smothered.
Remedy for male
Feelers: Touching her arm
when talking and holding hands or
putting your arm around her when walking is acceptable on the first
date if
there is a connection between you. But when you submit to “I can’t keep
my
hands off of her,” you might be moving too fast and she’ll start to
push back.
Feelers often go off on tangents when talking. Ask questions to get her
involved as well.
For those with
Visual as
the primary style, their Achilles’ heel is perfectionism.
If she is
a Visual,
she can easily become frustrated or depressed because she can’t seem to
find
the “perfect” man. If the date isn’t turning out as she visualized it,
her
disappointment may transfer to him–it’s his fault. Therefore, she might
be
critical of some of his behaviors but believe, “If you love me,
you’ll
be willing to change.”
Remedy for
female Visuals: Let go of
perfectionism. Otherwise you might miss
many likeable qualities simply because he doesn’t appear initially as
you
visualized him. If you love each other but there are a few behaviors
that
bother you, talk about it and offer solutions! Instead of expecting
that he needs to change or you will change
him, you’ll find that he is willing to adapt if your requests make
sense. But
you also need to be willing to make concessions for him.
If he
is Visual, he is a romantic. He might go all out in courting you
with flowers and more. If you are responsive, he will be delighted. If
you’re
critical or don’t show appreciation, he might withdraw into his shell
and
become silent. He is sensitive as are Feelers. He is talkative
including all
the details, but his humor often makes his stories entertaining.
Remedy for male
Visuals: A small
bouquet/single rose is fine for the first
date. Then find out what she likes so you can plan romantic dates that
you both
like. Your talkative side is entertaining to a point but allow time
for her
to talk too. If she isn’t overtly appreciative of your romantic
settings, don’t
take it personally. It doesn’t mean that she didn’t notice.
For those with
Wholistic
as the primary style, once they get the gist of something, they take
action.
If she is
Wholistic,
when she spots someone on-line that attracts her, she won’t hesitate to
contact
him and write, “Let’s get together.” She can quickly sense whether the
two of
you might click unless her perceptions are clouded by desperation. Then
she
might be blinded with, “I know you could love me if you’d just give me
a
chance.”
Remedy for
female
Wholistics: You are
spontaneous and
adventurous. This can be a turn-on for some men but for others who like
planning the whole date, a sudden change will be upsetting to them.
They might
say, “But I thought we were going to do this.” Rein in your
impulsiveness a bit
if he is one that likes more structure. Be sensitive to what he has
planned.
If he
is Wholistic, he might make up his mind quickly about you. If he
doesn’t reply to your e-mail message despite how strongly he “courted
you” in
his first messages, he’s lost interest. If he doesn’t call after the
first
date, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It just means
he wants
to move on rather than waste time on a relationship he intuitively
knows won’t
work.
Remedy for male
Wholistics: Since you are
bored with routine, express on your
first date that you like to be spontaneous according to your moods.
However,
she needs to know what to wear so keep that in mind. You are also
adventurous
but horseback riding might terrify her. Ask her if she would enjoy what
you are
considering rather than springing it on her.
No matter what is
your style,
the best impression you can make on a first date is a positive
and
friendly attitude while you listen attentively. Also listen to your feelings during the date. No matter
how nice or attractive your date might be, if you don’t feel any
connection, be
honest and move on. If you string him or her along, it will only make
it more
difficult to tell the truth later.
Carol
Welsh, M.S. has over 25 years experience as a speaker and workshop
facilitator.
She’s the author STOP WHEN YOU SEE RED (2005). Website is
www.stopred.com.