When Life Hurts Too Much

Listen Up! Newsletter

The essence of a strong relationship is
to be open to the perceptions of others.

Carol M. Welsh, Author/Speaker

This newsletter supplements Carol’s book: STOP WHEN YOU SEE RED

To learn more about the four perceptual styles, to order the book,
or to contact Carol Welsh, click here: www.stopred.com

July 2006

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Say What?

"For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

(From: http://humor.about.com – Bona Fide Classifieds)

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Tip of the Month

Intuition is a thought or impulse to do or not do something. When these impressions pop into our heads, we often let our minds rationalize that following this intuitive impulse is not necessary. When shopping we might notice an item because we need it, but we let our mind convince us otherwise since it isn’t on our list. Later we discover we should have bought it.

Following your intuition is especially important in the area of communication. I arrive early when doing a presentation to allow time for setup. A few days ago I thought I arrived 10 minutes early but for the program director, I arrived 20 minutes late! I had been told my presentation time was pushed back a half hour, but in the morning my intuition told me to call her to confirm. My mind, however, quickly rationalized that I had just seen her four days ago, so why call. By not following my intuitive hunch to call her, I caused her 20 minutes of anxiety because the start time was not a half hour later after all. So listen to your intuition. It avoids a breakdown in communication and saves time!

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When Life Hurts Too Much

The following is an excerpt from Carol’s book Stop When You See Red

My late husband, Larry, had a violent temper. I was verbally abused for twenty-eight years. I didn’t know about his temper until after we were married although we had been close friends for a year. If his anger was waiting to vent and I entered the house with my left foot instead of my right, he would go ballistic. The point I’m making is that any excuse to explode would suffice.

I rarely completely lose it, but sometimes the stupidity of his angry outbursts would put me over the edge and I would go into a rage. I believe I had to experience what it’s like to have uncontrollable rage. It helped me feel compassion for Larry. How horrible to have this anger always simmering just below the surface.

Larry could swing from rage to deep depression within minutes. He received various medications which seemed to work for about a month. When I started to relax and showed him more love and affection, his self-loathing would override the benefits of the medication and he would lash out at me again. Subconsciously he believed he didn’t deserve to be loved so he used his anger to push me away—this was brought out in our counseling sessions.

The last ten days of Larry’s life were a healing time for us. It was the first time in twenty-eight years that he treated me like an adult rather than a child. As he looked at me with so much tenderness and love, I asked him to share one of his happiest moments. He said, “I have never been happy.”

I was stunned. “What about when you asked me to marry you and I said yes?”

“From that point on, I always thought I would lose you,” he said and then wept. His anguish pierced my very soul.

Life simply hurt too much for him. He was ready to die even though he had just turned fifty-four. He let his diabetes get out of control and his sad heart simply stopped.

During our marriage I often asked myself, “As an intelligent and attractive woman, why am I staying with him?” I was ready to divorce him three times. Each time, we ended up in counseling, which seemed to help for a few months. Even with all the abuse I still loved him. Why?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we go through challenging times because of the lessons we need to learn. My workshops and books wouldn’t have been created if I hadn’t learned and experienced what I did during those years.

As my mother succumbed to Alzheimer’s disease, I no longer could turn to her for guidance and comfort. Yet she reached out to me during the last weeks when she still could talk by saying over and over, “Let go and let God.” Those words became my mantra for living. As a child I always talked to God, and of course He answered because I never expected He wouldn’t! That mantra reminded me to listen to the Voice within.

One truth the Voice helped me discover was that I was expecting my husband to make me happy. When I realized only I could make myself happy, my world began to open. I helped form a local organization called Shared Vision. It consisted of men and women from different walks of life who shared the vision of a more peaceful universe by first becoming at peace within themselves.

The love and acceptance I received from this support group helped me accept another truth about myself. I had codependent behaviors. When our counselor told me this during one of our marital counseling sessions, I was so hurt and angry that I sobbed uncontrollably. Larry was the one with the substance abuse problem and rages, yet I felt like I was being blamed for it!

I am eternally grateful that our counselor gave me the book The Wounded Woman by Linda Schierse Leonard. That book was the beginning of my transformation from a completely dependent woman to one who is independent and loves and accepts myself as I am.

As a dependent woman, I constantly looked for acceptance and support from others, especially my father and two husbands. Although I knew they loved me, it seemed that no matter what I did, I could not win their approval. Each treated me like a little girl, which translated into “Do what I tell you to do and be a good girl, and in return I promise to take care of you.” I depended on them for strength because I refused to embrace my own inner strength.

My transformation began in my forties. I finally relied on my inner strength to let go of my dependency and to stand on my own two feet. Discouragement and dependency prevent you from living a meaningful and rewarding life.

How many discouraged people in our lives feel unworthy of our love yet at the same time are crying out to be loved? Until we walk in someone else’s shoes, we never know the full extent of the pain they might be feeling or concealing.

When people are rude or inconsiderate, I realize something is going on in their lives that make them want to strike out at the world, and I am merely the target for the moment. Instead of snapping, “I don’t deserve to be treated this way,” if I feel compassion for the person, it’s not as challenging to respond with kindness and consideration. Understanding my husband’s pain has enabled me to be better at showing compassion toward someone who is obviously having a bad day, or month, or year.