Listen Up!
Newsletter
The essence of a
strong relationship is
to be open to the perceptions of others.
Carol
M. Welsh, Author/Speaker
This
newsletter supplements Carol’s book: STOP WHEN YOU
SEE RED
To learn more
about the four perceptual styles, to
order the book,
or to contact Carol Welsh, click here: www.stopred.com
October
2006
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Say What?
"Widows
made to order. Send us
your specifications."
(From: http://humor.about.com –
Bona Fide
Classifieds)
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Tip of the Month
I
do a
presentation for writers called: What is
your intent? Are your readers getting your message?
Misunderstandings can occur
when the listener doesn’t understand what you’re trying to convey. Some
are
funny, like the quote above. But often misunderstandings lead to
disastrous
results. You have the power to reverse the misunderstanding by
clarifying the
intent of your message. I usually start by apologizing for the
misunderstanding. This makes the person(s) more receptive, and I’m not
in a
combative mode.
One
time I
complimented a woman by telling her she was very prophetic. She gasped
and
shortly thereafter, there was a smear campaign against me. I
was confused and hurt. I wanted to strike back. But experience
has shown me to ask these questions before I say or do anything I might
regret:
1.
What is my motivation for
saying or
doing this?
2.
What are the anticipated
outcomes
based on this action?
3.
Who will benefit from the
outcome?
If
you don’t
want to stop when you see red, your motivation may be “revenge is
sweet.” Seriously
reflect on the possible outcome of your actions. Is it your intention
to get
even with those involved because of what they did to you? Who will
benefit?
Will it bring closure or create an even bigger problem? I decided to go
to the
source and asked her why she was so upset with me. She said I told her
she was pathetic! When I told her what I
actually said because I admired her apparent gift of prophecy, she
apologized
and immediately informed the others involved in bad-mouthing me. The
outcome
was that I received apologies from all. Had I instead decided to “get
even,” I
only would have hurt myself and the friendships formed with these women
never
would have happened.
The following is an
excerpt from Carol’s book Stop When You See Red
All of us have Empowering
Tendencies
and Limiting Tendencies. Your Empowering Tendencies cause you to take a positive action. When you operate
through your Empowering Tendencies, you feel good about yourself and
what
you’re doing. You also have more energy because life is both satisfying
and
enjoyable.
Your Limiting Tendencies
cause you
to react negatively to people and
situations. Often, negative or difficult people trigger these
Tendencies. When
you’re operating through your Limiting Tendencies, you don’t feel good
about
yourself or in control of what’s happening. These reactions destroy
your
energy, leaving you feeling tired and depleted. Think back to the last
time you
lost your temper and remember how drained you felt afterward.
The Limiting Tendencies
also cloud your
perception of people and situations. You’re more apt to look at what’s
wrong
with the person, or be critical rather than look at what’s right. When
you’re
in this negative frame of mind, you are certain that the way you
perceive the
person or situation is correct because you can justify your perception.
Therefore you think you’re right and of course they’re wrong!
Here’s a story from a
student in my
Communicating Effectively course: Evelyn, a young lawyer, was furious
about the
despicable way the four male lawyers in the office treated her. Well,
she
wasn’t going to put up with it any longer. In fact, she had already put
down a
nonrefundable deposit on office space in a city ninety miles away and
was going
to go into business for herself. She said she could hardly wait to
leave
although she had just bought a house.
One of the points I
covered in the
course was to reflect on your own behavior and reactions when you’re
with this
person or group that upsets you, and then ask yourself, “Would I like
to come
home to me?” Or “Would I like to work with me?”
Evelyn said she realized
she had
become a real bitch (her words, not mine). So the men snapped back and
probably
were thinking, “What’s her problem?”
Evelyn started her change
by
reclaiming who she really was—a vivacious and brilliant lawyer. She
explained:
I walked into the office
with my
smile reattached and offered to make the coffee. I even offered to pour
a cup
for everyone. Before, if they asked for a cup, I’d snap, “Get it
yourself!”
I started to
laugh more, tell jokes, and just plain lightened up. In the forefront
of my
thoughts was: Would I like to work with
me? In just one week I could answer yes, and the change in the men
was
amazing!
When they began being
nice to me and
treated me with respect, the respect became mutual. They started asking
for my
opinion. Then I consulted them by telling them I needed their expertise
or
advice. I knew they liked hearing this, so at first it was the game I
played to
get what I wanted. But I soon discovered I really valued their opinions.
One of the
partners started calling me Eve. At first I resisted: “Let’s not get
too
familiar here.” But it fit my new image.
Eve laughed and added,
“You don’t suppose I had a chip on my
shoulder because I was the only woman lawyer and thought I’d never be
included
as part of the good old boys’ club. Who, me?”
This complete turnaround
took only a week! Just to be sure,
Eve waited two more weeks before breaking the lease on the office in
the other
city. By the time the course ended, she was sharing about her happiness
at work
and the redecorating plans for her house. Yet Eve still wondered how
she could
have been so wrong about the men.
Who were the negative,
difficult people in this situation?
Could it be that we might be
difficult at times? It usually doesn’t occur to us that the other
person might
be thinking that we’re the one who is being difficult.
One day as I was combing
my hair, I stopped and looked at
the person looking back at me from the mirror. I was dismayed. What
happened to
my smile? I used to smile so much that college friends called me
Smiley. Now I
had a dour look on my face.
I let my boss steal my
smile. I was upset with the way he
treated me, with little respect. I felt like he was looking down on me.
Well, I
decided to put that smile back on my face even if I didn’t feel like
smiling.
When I walked into work, everyone smiled back. Soon the smile became
genuine
because smiling is so contagious! Just four hours later, my boss stuck
his head
into my office and said, “Carol, I don’t know what’s different about
you, but I
like you a whole lot better.”
We
don’t
realize how empowered we are to change a negative into a positive.
Throughout
my book and workshops, I keep repeating, “You can’t change the other
person,
you can only change yourself. Change how
you approach the ‘difficult’ person and you might get a more favorable
response.” As Eve and I changed, the people around us responded
favorably
to the positive change. It’s as simple as that!
Copyright © 2005-2006
Carol M. Welsh. All Rights
Reserved