Winning … or Losing

The following is an excerpt from Carol’s book Stop When You See Red

My husband and I lived with my father for a few years so I could be there as his caregiver as well as manage the retreat/conference center he and my mother established in 1967. The house and center are located on 40 acres of woods, including a 7-acre lake–beautiful but not safe for an elderly person who was experiencing mini-strokes.

In July 1987, my sister and husband were planning a visit. My brother-in-law Dave was a smoker. I’m extremely allergic to cigarette smoke, which caused me years of suffering before no-smoking laws were established. Attached to the house was a screened-in porch with a beautiful view and the relaxing sound of gurgling water from the fountain. I wrote a letter asking Dave if he would please smoke only in the porch when they visited. I explained why, including how sorry I was to have to ask this of him.

When I asked someone before to put out a cigarette, I never had anyone react angrily. I respect smokers’ rights, too. I have a similar reaction to most perfumes and had to ask co-workers to refrain from wearing them. Although it’s embarrassing, rarely has anyone been upset by my request. Therefore I was astonished when Dave called my father and said if he couldn’t smoke in the house, they weren’t going to visit.

My father went ballistic! Here I was trying to be upfront and honest, and now I had everyone mad at me. My father was screaming it was his house and what right did I have to ask Dave not to smoke in it. I was stunned and deeply hurt.

My sister Alma was a trained negotiator. She had used the Win/Win negotiation method several times. I was certainly open to using the process to resolve this issue. I was upset by Dave’s reaction. I never meant to offend him. Although I felt terrible about the whole thing, I was mad—how dare they treat me this way!

Alma, Dave, my father and I got together through a conference call. First we agreed to listen while the other person was speaking; we could not interrupt. We agreed to wait ten seconds after the person finished speaking before the next person could start. Then the person who was being addressed had to repeat back what he or she just heard.

Alma was the moderator. She told us when the ten seconds were up. After the listener repeated what he or she thought was said, Alma asked the speaker if this was correct. If it wasn’t, she asked for further clarification. As this process progressed, we started looking for solutions. The anger subsided. Apologies were offered and accepted.

I told Dave I loved him and never meant to upset him. He explained that nonsmoking restrictions took away his enjoyment of flying, which he frequently did as a salesman. He was weary of looking for places to smoke. My request had broken the dam of frustration. My anger and hurt dissipated immediately when I understood the frustration behind his reaction to my request. His anger subsided when he realized there were viable solutions and that canceling their visit was not one of them.

The small lake, which is surrounded by woods, has a dock with a large gazebo with windows and screens. In this peaceful setting, Dave adjusted the windows against the chilly wind and read and smoked in comfort. He loved it!

When tempers are flaring, people interrupt each other because each wants to be heard rather than taking the time to listen to the other’s point of view. When you change your perception of a situation, you become more objective and it might lead to finding a winning solution to the problem. But if you stubbornly refuse to at least acknowledge that it’s that person’s opinion or perception of the situation, even though it differs from yours, you’ll end up with an outcome where everyone loses, such as causing a split in the family or destroying friendship. It’s your choice.